Beans Shadow

The Legend of the Crazy Animal Print Chick: Part Two

2011-07-16T10:35:00.048-04:00

Prologue

I took a girls virginity. I'm not sorry about this. She had it coming. I guess if anything, I am kind of sorry that we never actually made it to the third movie, but that would have just prolonged things. At the time, I just wanted to get it over with. Maybe I should back up and explain how this came about.

Part 2: What is a Woogie?

"You are telling me that you have never seen Star Wars?" I asked, incredulous.

"That is what I'm telling you, I have never seen that movie." She crooned in what she evidently thought was a seductive tone... It wasn't.

"You know there are six... six movies." I informed her, struggling to hide my condescension.

Six Movies

"Oh" she sounded interested but looked rather crestfallen "Maybe you could show them to me sometime."

"Maybe I will..." I said with a laugh despite my revulsion at this situation. "I just can't wrap my head around the fact that you have never seen these movies. How have you made it to your twenties without even stumbling across Star Wars by accident? I mean, the first one is on TV basically every weekend."

>>>Fast Forward>>>

Days have passed since I took Sierra to see Toy Story & Toy Story 2 in 3D. She is now my friend on Facebook, and she texts me basically every day.

Whatever happened to people not having to be in contact with each other every second of every day. In movies, people will go on a date with someone, have almost no contact with that person for about a week, and go on a date with them again the next weekend. The only time they talk is to set the date. There is no, "hey, just checkin’ to see how U R" or "hey here is everything i 8 today: [unreasonably long list of foods including low calorie cookies and diet drinks]" By the way, this is just something that needs to be said to the general population: just cause it says "diet" on the container doesn't mean you should eat twice as much of it #defeatingthepoint. But back to the constant contact thing; I never saw Meg Ryan bugging Tom Hanks incessantly in Sleepless in Seattle (or You've Got Mail... the shameless and unnecessary remake that at the time was cleverly modern, but is now hilariously dated)

...And in You've Got Mail, she could have bugged him mercilessly, flooding his inbox with unending and inane blather. But she didn't. They sent email back and forth at a rate of about 1 every couple of days. Granted, they were merely pen pals for the majority of the movie, so maybe the analogy is not perfect. The fact remains, however, that before texting and Facebook chat (and AIM I suppose), people actually had to converse. I usually like talking. If people spoke with each other more often rather than writing to one another in various ways, many arguments could be simply avoided. I get into an argument with some of my friends every time we text. One or both of us will inevitably misread or misinterpret the message. It is something I have known since the days of IM, but I still seem to ignore it, sarcasm/jokes are ~~hard~~ impossible to convey via text messages.

One final note about texting, can we move past the silly abbreviations? I will grant you that there are some occasions when abbreviations are acceptable and even preferable, but they are pretty rare. Once admitted into college, you should be at a point in your life when "lol" and "gr8" are no longer a part of your textcabulary. Middle and High School girls, feel free to continue using these abbreviations, no one cares what you have to say anyway. But beyond that, Stop It! I poop you not, my grandma, who is surprisingly proficient at texting, would put "lol" at the end of every text she sent for almost a year. We found out she had no idea what it meant. She thought she was saying "Lots of Love" not "Laughing Out Loud"... and this is exactly the problem. There should be a statute of limitations on these abbreviations. When you are writing collegiate research papers and making real resumes, you should not be allowed to use these anymore (except in the rare emergencies alluded to previously). I would not have so much of a problem with if they did not bleed over into non-text speaking and writing. Email, in general should not contain any of these, it is just sloppy. Speaking... whatever... say whatever you want, but if you say "lol" out loud (especially if you aren't actually laughing) don't be surprised if I never listen to another thing you ever say, sarcasm notwithstanding. Finally, and most appalling, the little dipshits who have been "failing up" through our public school system and are inexplicably admitted to my college will invariably write "UR" in place of both "your" and "you're" in final drafts of papers that I have to grade... I gave 3 F's because of this last year. But I have gone on a major digression... Back to the story!

Did I mention that she texted me... a lot? It was excessive, especially for someone who I had, in essence, just met. I am ok with daily texting from people with whom I am friends; I actually have stuff to talk about with them. Still, I did not want to jump to unfounded assumptions. The great thing about texting is you can ignore them if they become to annoying, unfortunately, if you ignore them too much, you get a bunch of "hello?", "have you been getting my messages?", and the ever dreaded "?" in your inbox. If you get the "?" you may as well give up. You chose poorly. You are in more trouble than the Nazi at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. I did not ignore her very much, and was able to avoid the "?", and by Wednesday date number 2 was set. Via text. I guess this is the world we live in now and I will just have to come to terms with that.

I thought it was a bit early in the aquaintanceship (I refuse to call this a relationship) for her to be coming to my apartment, but that is what happened on Friday. I spent most of Wednesday through Friday before the date cleaning up the apartment. My roommate, Captain Asshat, was gross. Dude, if you are reading, I don't mean to be rude, but you were gross. You left dirty dishes all over the apartment, you almost never took the trash out, you left a bowl of cheese on the counter for 2 months and you grew plants on the dining room table. Also if you are reading this, do you have my black microwavable Tupperware bowl with the strainer top? If so, can I get that back. Also, congratulations on getting married.

Anyway, I spent a lot of time cleaning up to get ready for the big night. I was actually pretty excited. You see, this was not going to be just any date, this promised to be a special night for both of us. It was going to be her first time. That's right, I was taking her Star Wars virginity. At that point I had only taken two other girls Star Wars V-cards. The first time it was really awkward and we never talked again after it was over. The second time, it was a girl who I was friends with... she seemed to like it. We are still friends and talk occasionally. The best part about this time was that it was her idea! I think my alarm bells and whistles were broken, or else set to silent, because they were really letting me down with this girl. I am certainly not going to make the blanket statement that any girl who wants to see Star Wars is crazy, that would be silly and untrue, I know tons of awesome girls who both have seen and liked Star Wars. However, that in addition to everything else should have made me question the situation.

For instance, I am sure these girls are pretty cool.

She arrived at my apartment at 6:30pm. She was wrapped once again in an ill-fitting assortment of animal print clothing. The lurid blue peacock feather print top clashed spectacularly with her tiger print handbag. Again, being me, I commented.

"You sure do like your animal print" I said blithely.

"I am a Cougar! Some people can't pull off the animal print, they can't handle it. I love it, It makes me feel... dangerous."

Holy Damn Lady, you are crazy as hell... is what I should have been thinking (probably saying). Instead, I thought: I don't think she knows what being a 'cougar' means. Don't you have to be a divorcee and in your 40's and have older children? …And I don’t think I've ever seen Courtney Cox in animal print. "Oh, that is interesting" I said with a slight chuckle. And I didn't really think about it again that night.

Rather than go to dinner or order takeout or something normal like that she insisted on cooking for me... on the second date... at my apartment. The dinner was mediocre. Edible. I don't even remember what she cooked, which is bad. Ladies, if you are trying to impress a guy with your cooking, which can be highly effective, make sure that you make something memorable. Memorable, in a good way is probably best, but even memorable in a bad way can do the job. It shows that you are willing to put forward the effort. If the meal is bad, the guy might think you are cute for trying. It helps to actually be cute in this case. If you aren't cute, cook well. Sierra's cooking was totally forgettable. Not good. Not bad. Forgettable... this is the worst possible case scenario. What I remember about it was that she cooked for me as well as Captain Asshat.

That is right, the first date in our apartment and he stuck around for AND PARTICIPATED in it. At the very least he should have barricaded himself in his room for the evening. It is just courtesy, especially on the big night. Boundaries Dude! A normal person would have left for the evening, allowing me to make a fool of myself privately, where no one will be able to analyze my behavior and recount it for me… But Not Captain Asshat! He stays where he knows he is not welcome! He participates in private things! In front of your friends and girls you are trying to impress, he reminds you of all the embarrassing things you have ever done! He is... CAPTAIN ASSHAT! Queue the Captain Asshat theme... That sounds like it would be a Goldsmith score. Goldsmith is no Williams, but I do enjoy a good Goldsmith score. That reminds me, don’t you hate when they change composers in the middle of a series. John Williams did the score for the first 2 Harry Potter movies, and then they brought in some other jokers to do the music for the rest of them... which totally changed the tone of the movies. It makes them feel disjointed. Even though they use the original themes, it just isn't the same. They did the same thing on the original Superman movies. The first two were great and had great music, the others... well how many of you have actually seen Superman 4?

Anyway, I'm off topic again.

So she cooks. I remember the cooking taking a lot longer than necessary. Conversation was not as easy this time. Rather than moving seamlessly form topic to topic, the conversation was disjointed. We kept running out of things to talk about. I chalked it up to nerves. Excitement about the after dinner activity. More likely though, it was due to the fact that I had apparently tapped out her store of topics for conversation on the previous date. Every time I tried to introduce a new subject, she would invariably, and inexplicably bring things back around to Nubby. I thought we had satisfactorily put that particular gem to rest. Apparently not.

"I mean, where'd Nubby go? Where is he AT?"

Every time she said this she started to giggle. Her giggles were a singularly disturbing thing. It was not a hearty laugh, that might have been better. And it was not a chortle, which would have suited her. It was a high pitched unnatural keening. Not quite nails on a chalk board, but it was close. Every time she brought "Nubby" back up, I clammed up and stopped talking all together, effectively killing the conversation. This happened at regular intervals through the dinner portion of the night. When the food is finally ready, the three of us sat and ate. The awkward dinner conversation was mostly facilitated by Captain Asshat. This was not because I was incapable ore unwilling to shoulder that responsibility, rather that he felt that any conversation he was not dominating was a waste of time. Even he became annoyed with the "where's Nubby at" discussion by the time dinner was finished. Before it was over, both of us wanted to do this:

I am not sure whether it was this, or him finally taking the hint, but he did eventually go up to his room, not to be seen again for the rest of the night. Though, now I think on it, he left directly after dinner. He did not help with the clean up. I suppose that is all in a day’s work for... CAPTAIN ASSHAT! Queue music again.

I should probably take a moment to describe my apartment a little bit. This bit of exposition is not necessary for the story, but it does add a bit of context. I want to make it clear that I had nothing to do with the imcomprehensable setup. When you walk into the front door, on the wall immediately on your left is a projector screen. On the wall adjacent to that wall is the couch (facing the front door and front window). At the end of the couch is the stairs and the enterance to dining area... you get the idea. What I want to draw your attention to is the fact that if you are sitting on the couch there is no comfortable way for 2 people to watch anything on the projector. The only other tv's in the apartment are in the bedrooms. We were not at a point in the acquaintanceship where I was prepared to be alone with her in my room... alone. For all I know she could be a serial killer. She did after all have a peculiar preoccupation with Saw. So we improvised. We pulled the couch around so that it faced the screen. The couch was very long and spanned the width of the room, meaning we had to climb over it to sit in it or to leave the room.

The time had come. She settled herself on the couch. I was very excited. This was actually going to happen. I gingerly removed the DVD from its case and slid it smoothly into place in the player. I gently touched the "Play" button... and we were off! We found ourselves in a galaxy far, far away.

As I plopped myself down on the couch next to her I glanced over and realized that she had not been reading the opening crawl. No big deal, maybe she didn't realize that for this movie, the text at the beginning was important.

Sidebar: The opening crawl at the beginning of the Original Star Wars move (Star Wars Episode IV, A New Hope) is vital. If you don't read it, the rest of the movie is going to make no sense at all. Don't even bother watching it. Especially if that is your first Star Wars Movie. Some movies have text at the beginning that is not really important to understanding the movie, but this is not one of those movies.

"Do you want me to rewind it so you can read that?" Technically it was a question, but it was not actually a question.

"No, that's ok. It isn't really that important is it?" See above. Before she had finished talking I had already started rewinding. At this point I was starting to second guess the whole evening.

"It is kind of important, It sets up the movie." I restarted the movie. She looked ...embarrassed? I don't know for sure, It was kind of dark. It was tough to discern facial expressions. In any case she grimaced.

We got past the Opening Crawl. We sat there quietly for a few minutes, enjoying the movie, then she started up again. She started asking questions. I understand the temptation to ask certain questions during certain movies, but she asked dumb questions.

"What is that gold guys deal, he is so annoying?"

"That is C-3P0, he is a neurotic robot, sorta like Marvin from The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy."

"I don't know what that is."

Silently sighing in exasperation, "Never mind, just watch."

---

"What is that giant black robot guy?"

Am I really having to explain this? I am tempted to turn off the movie and tell her that is it time for her to be hitting the ol' dusty trail. "That is Darth Vader. He is the bad guy. That is why he just choked that rebel"

---

"Who are the 'Rebels'?

I audibly sighed, and turned to face her with what I can only imagine is a look that rivaled one of Sheldon's haughty looks of derision.

"They are the guys who are fighting against the Empire... the ones currently lying dead on the ground."

"..." She looked confused.

"The guys dressed all in white, the Stormtroopers, are the bad guys. They are Imperial soldiers, Darth Vader is their commander, they all work for the Emperor. The rebels are the good guys, Darth Vader just choked one."

"Oh" annoying giggle "I thought the guys in white were the good guys"

She totally looks like a good guy, I get the confusion!

Palmface. You have got to be kidding me. It is like you haven't even been watching the movie. Maybe if you would stop asking dumbass questions and pay attention to Lucas' Masterpiece we could have forgone this little foray into crazy land where Storm Troopers are good guys. "nope, they're the bad guys."

---

"Why doesn't that car have wheels?"

"It's a Speeder, it hovers... just watch."

---

After that, we got through maybe five more minutes of the movie before she started up again.

"Dear god, what is that thing."

I just now realize that those are the exact words that Wesley tells Prince Humperdink will echo in his prefect ears after they fight "to the pain". What a good movie. Ironically, Nubby (Cary Elwes) pops up again. It is like the number 23. It is everywhere, but you do not notice it until you look for it.

"That is Chewie, He is Han Solo's Co-Pilot." I said literally seconds after Obi-Wan said "This is Chewbacca, He is co-pilot in a ship that might suit us"

"But what is he?"

"He's a Wookiee..."

"What's a Woogie?"

"I don't know, I believe it is what you do directly after you Boogie…” at this she just stared at me blankly, so I continued, “…but Chewie is a Wookiee." And sensing a dumb follow up question, I added, "He is an alien."

Woogie:

Wookiee:

I was done. This was too much. I was ready to call it a night. She had successfully ruined Star Wars. It was like she just shat on my floor. It is kind of like when you are a kid and someone tells you Santa isn’t real. Imagine that someone took your favorite thing in the world and destroyed it with a baseball bat, Office Space style…

I had the overpowering urge to punch somebody in the face. I resisted. I could never have a relationship with this person. Ladies, when you know that you are watching a guy’s favorite movie, don't do the things she did. If you have a question, ask the guy to pause the movie, and then ask your question. Before you do that, though, ask yourself, will this question likely be answered in the course of the movie? If so, do not ask that question. If the question is not likely to be answered, ask yourself, Is this a dumb question or will the answer to my question contribute in any way to my understanding of the movie? If the answer is “no” your question is dumb. If it is a dumb question (You have been lied to all your life, there are definitely dumb questions) Do Not Ask It.

We did finish the movie, and there were myriad other dumb questions. As the movie progressed, and the questions got dumber and dumber, I think she could tell that I was getting frustrated. When the movie started, we were sitting next to each other. When it was over, we were on opposite ends of the couch. When the credits started to roll, I played the "I'm gettin' sorta tired card" to great effect. A few short minutes later, she was at the door gazing at me with big doe eyes. I am 95% sure she expected me to kiss her. I leaned in, gave her an awkward "just friends" hug, you know the one…

Best Part of the Entire Movie!

Like that one. I stood back and said, "Well, it is getting late, I will call you later this week..."

"Yeah, this was really fun!" She sounded genuine, but c'mmon, really? In what universe was this a really fun time?

"Me too" I lied.

She got in her car and drove off

The End… I wish.

Coming Soon:

Part 3: The Double Dare Date and the Mail Order Fiancé

Coming Later:

Part 4: Sierra Strikes Back with A New Hope

Part 5: Political and Grammatical Correctness

Epilogue: The Long Good Bye

The Legend of the Crazy Animal Print Chick

2011-07-10T17:22:00.007-04:00

Prologue

Stories become tales, tales become legends and legends... well they are the stuff of dreams, legends inspire the imagination. This is not a legend, it is merely a story. I, never the less, will continue to refer to it as “legend” because I like the sound of that better, and it bespeaks a cautionary tale, like a fable. This story may or may not be true. The names may or may not have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent. It is not really even an original story, you've probably heard it before in some form or fashion, but here, in its entirety (or as close to that as I could get from memory) is the story. Sure, it's embarrassing, a little shallow, and after reading it you probably won’t sleep soundly for a few days. But for my own sake, and the sake of posterity, I had to commit this story to the most permanent and lasting medium I could think of... the internet. Once it is here, it will never go away. So here it is:

The Legend of the Animal Print Chick.

Part 1:
The Ominous Origin

I have learned a lot of things in college, like... buffalo wings cost 50 cents on Tuesdays, and no matter how big the discount, waffle house will always be cheaper than IHOP, and never, ever, eat the beef at the dining hall, you will be picking it out of your teeth for the rest of the week... flossing won’t help. Most of the lessons I've learned are about food. I think, though, the most important thing that I have learned in my 6 years in college (calm down, I am getting a masters degree) is that boredom is the worst reason to do anything.

My IPod had stopped working about 2 weeks ago. It gave me the frowny face symbol that usually means “You’re Screwed”. If you insulted your IPod’s mother, this is the face it would give you, then it would never talk (or play music) to you again. So, I stepped on to an almost full bus after my Physics lab on the way to truck after a long day of classes without the respite of my own personal sound track as a barrier to the rest of the world. Like I sometimes did when my IPod was mad at me, I struck up a conversation with the person next to me, you know, just being friendly. Today, that person was a girl with longish dark curly/scrunchy hair, she was wearing glasses, jeans and an ECU hoodie. She was extraordinarily average looking. It was almost refreshing. At the time I would have given her a solid 6 (I warned you of the shallowness) which is on the mid to low end of the "dating potential" range.

"How's it goin?" My usual, and completely original opening line. Though perhaps not clever or creative, it is remarkably succinct and depending on the response, you can tell instantly whether the person has any interest in a conversation with you.

"Alright, classes are sucking though!"A complaint, right off the bat, a bad sign. However, the fact that she responded with more than a one word... "good" or "alright" means that she is probably interested in a conversation.

"That sucks, what sort of classes are you taking?" A chance for her to redeem herself. See, she started off with a complaint, generally a bad sign. I mean, who starts complaining to complete strangers. But, my second question gave her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she just has tough classes. If she is a Chem major or an Econ major, commenting on the difficulty of her classes is a totally justifiable general statement and not really a complaint at all.

"Blah, Blah, English, Blah Blah Blah, Psychology... what about you?" My interest began to wane. Here is a piece of insight ladies; in general, your attractiveness is directly correlated to the how much I pay attention to you when you complain/talk about stuff that doesn't interest me. This girl was a 6, not a bad score, not a great score. I paid her just enough attention to catch the important details, English and Psychology. She was a psych major. I got it. Here is a helpful chart:

Notice that even if you are a 10 (meaning you are Natalie Portman or equally attractive) I will still only listen to you talk about things I do not care about for about 20 minutes. 20 minutes is actually quite a lot. I have trouble paying attention to things I really enjoy for much longer than that. But, it is for this reason that I started playing hard core Angry Birds shortly into Black Swan. Even a lesbian scene between Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman was not enough to hold my attention. This is also why I change the channel immediately when I see any current or former female Secretary of State or AttorneyGeneral, or Rosie O’Donnell…

you get the idea.

A Digression:

No offense to you psychology majors out there, but let’s be honest, you have limited yourselves by choosing that as your field of expertise. In the field of psychology, there are very few actual jobs that you can really do. How many more self help books do we really need? Although, I suppose it may be fun to build a psychological profile of the morbidly obese diabetic in a wheel chair to whom you are serving Big Macs while you work on that pop-psych article

you're hoping will set the blogosphere abuzz. Stop lying to yourself, a job at McDonalds is not field research and no one reads your blog. A psych degree is like a degree in being annoying. We all like to use the stuff we learn in class, I get it. I talk about markets and business models and fun stuff like that when it is appropriate. But psych majors, stop psychoanalyzing your friends, after a while you won’t have them. This is really all I am trying to say. As a student you know just enough to be annoying. Not all guys who have a healthy respect for their mothers have an Oedipus complex and not all girls who dress like sluts have daddy issues. Sometimes, most times, a cigar is just a cigar.
…But I digress

"Management Classes, they aren't too bad...lots of group projects." An honest answer.

“I'm Sierra by the way… like the mountains.” At this she fell into a manic fit of giggles.

"blah blah... more small talk ...blah blah" I'd almost completely stopped paying any attention at this point, just the token head nods, and "oh, really" where appropriate.

"Well, this is my stop, I'll see you lat..."

"This is my stop too... I am parked all the way in the back ...and it's raining, just my luck."

"Man, sucks for you!" is what I should have said.

What I actually said: "I'm parked right in the front, I could give you a ride to your car if you want, it is raining pretty hard."

And that was mistake number two... mistake number one, I would learn later from my friend, Smallgood, was talking to strangers on the bus in the first place.

...So, I drive her to her car and once there I say, "well... it was nice meeting you, maybe I'll see you around." and here is where the story takes an intriguing turn. Before she gets out of the car she says, "Aren't you going to ask me for my number?" I know you all saw that coming, but at the time, I did not... what can I say, I am a bit slow on the uptake. Well, needless to say, I am shocked. I stutter. I am lost for words. I say, "That’d be great". Here is what was going through my head. ::She's a 6, that is pretty good, and I am not really busy right now, I have no other prospects. What harm is there in taking her number. She seems nice enough. Who knows, she could be really cool. Why not?:: It was the "why not" that finally clenched it for me. There is really no argument you can make for that kind of logic. Also, I think I had recently seen the movie Yes Man with Jim Carey, so, ya know, I said yes.

So over the next couple of days I couldn't stop thinking about how I really wanted to see the Toy Story 1 and 2 double feature in 3D. More importantly I thought about how I did not want to be that guy sitting by himself in a theater full of kids and their parents. Timing is everything. I found out about the movies months before, but none of my friends wanted to go with me. "I already own those movies", they would invariably say "why would I pay $12 to see them?" apparently, they did not think 3D movies were as cool as I did. Then out of nowhere, there was this girl who serendipitously gives me her number a week or two before the movie goes out of theaters.

...Timing

I didn't immediately friend Sierra on Facebook. I had had a relatively recent bad experience with a girl on Facebook. I friended her after meeting her for the first time. We went on one date. She had crazy eyes, and was a hippy. It didn't work out. Had I not friended her, I would have never had to talk to her ever again, and that would have been that. Unfortunately, I did friend her and after that date, she was constantly trying to talk to me on the (new at the time) Facebook Chat. It got to the point where I stopped signing on. I eventually had to block her. I did not want a repeat. So I put off friending her as long as possible. Unfortunately that severely hampered my ability to do research on (read: Face-Stalk) this girl, which could have helped meto avoid a few surprises, but I'll get to those later. After the requisite 3 days, I called her. We set up a nice little date for that Saturday, dinner at McAlister's and the movies, pretty standard.

I was amped about having a real date. It is a rare occurrence. It is not that I can't get dates, I just don't. So Saturday rolls around. For brevity's sake I will skip the saga of me getting ready for the date. suffice it to say, it takes an embarrassingly long time to achieve that I'm dressed up but trying to look like I'm not dressed up look. I go to pick her up. I walk up to the apartment. I knock on the door. The door opens and I learn several things in very quick succession. First I learn that she lives with her mother... in an apartment... in Greenville. Second, I learn that there is a very small child that lives with them. Third I learned that she really liked animal print. I have never had an issue with girls wearing animal print before. But this was not animal print like I'd ever seen before. She was wearing 3 separate, non matching pieces of animal print clothing, shoes, a shirt and a purse.

I gave her the benefit of the doubt, but that should have been a major red flag. At the time, I just thought she was trying a little too hard to impress on the "first date" and went a bit overboard. In any case, it was visually painful... and being me, I did comment on it, almost instantly. She was thoroughly convinced that she looked awesome in animal print. And she may have... at one time. Unfortunately, the most disquieting thing about the whole situation was that not only did she wear non matching animal print clothing, but the non matching clothing did not fit. It was just a scoach too small for her. However, this was a first date and I had other things to worry about like being immediately introduced to her mother and "nephew". And just in case I wasn'tsquirming enough already, Grandma, who lives next door is invited to this little family reunion. Perfect, just what I wanted, to be judged like a show dog by the mother and grandmother of the girl I was taking to see two Disney movies. Even if they did not have me under the microscope, that is a lot to throw at a guy within the first 5 minutes of the first date.

As we drove to McAlisters, we chatted. Conversation with her was surprisingly easy. However, that was probably due to the fact that she shared way more info than is necessary or appropriate for a first date. At least she was honest and forthcoming. Before we even left the parking lot, Sierra told me about how her estranged father who lives in another state owned the apartment complex where she and her mother and grandma lived. This situation was odd and begs many questions... none of which were asked, I did not want to go down that particular rabbit hole. The amount of weird that I had thus far encountered had very nearly reached my personal limit.

I next learned that she and her mother were taking care of her nephew. Her older but less mature sister got "knocked up" (her words). This sister was apparently very irresponsible so the kid stayed with “Grammy and Auntie Sierra”. She really loved the kid. He was her little man, and I was told that if he did not like me then she would not date me... the end. There is nothing really wrong with this on the face of it. She loves her nephew, and was flirting at the same time. Don’t get me wrong, it was weird, but I was reserving judgment at this point. Later events however would cause me to question whether this child was her nephew or, in fact, her own offspring... But I am getting ahead of the story.

Once at McAllisters we discuss movies and music and other typical first date fare. She really liked horror movies and loved the Saw series (Right then buzzers and red lights and alarms should have been going off). My experience with horror as a genre was limited, but I had at least seen the first 3 saw movies. I like them for what they are... gory slasher flicks, but they don't even crack my top 50 That reminds me, I should redo my top 50 list, Star Trek 4 and Rocky are definitely in the top 5 this time. In any case, we started talking about Cary Elwes's character in the movie. You know the guy who was the Dread Pirate Roberts in The Princess Bride… This Guy:

Anyway, *Spoiler Alert* She noted that after he cut off his foot in the first movie and crawled away, you never see what happens to him. "I mean all he has is a stump of a leg left. Where'd he go, where is nubby at?!" She said. I have no idea how it happened or why, but somehow the grammatically appalling "Where'd he go, Where's Nubby at?" phrase became a thing, a sort of inside joke between us and she would repeat it continually. I did attempt to correct the grammar once (yes ladies, I'm that guy) but for that story you'll have to wait for Part 5. Anyway, we stayed on Nubby for a while until I made the call and pronounced that particular conversation dead. Before it was all over, I wanted to do this:

We moved on to other movies and I discovered that she had never seen Star Wars... none of them. I always told myself that that would be a deal breaker... any girl I date must be a Star Wars fan, or at the very least have a healthy respect for the movies. She did say she was willing to watch them, and we pretty much planned the second date right then and there, though I didn't realize it then. Again, I was reserving judgment and relaxing my standards. Star Wars is not, in itself, the end all, be all of films. However, whether a person has or has not seen these films says a lot about that person. If you have made it to your 20’s without seeing these movies, you have the capacity to willfully ignore one of the greatest achievements in film history.

You are purposefully keeping yourself from understanding countless pop culture allusions. It basically means that you will never fully enjoy Family Guy or Robot Chicken. If you doubt the cultural significance of Star Wars you have never seen them, and that is nothing more than willful ignorance.

We headed to the theater for the long awaited Toy Story and Toy Story 2 3D double feature. I was so excited! These are 2 of my favorite movies. I remember when I saw the first one with my family in 1995. I dreamed about it for weeks before. I'm sure it drove my parents nuts how much I talked about it. And here it was again! I don't remember any of the conversation between me and Sierra the rest of that night. It didn’t matter though; we never actually made it past small talk. Once we were in the theater, popcorn and soda in hand, I considered and ultimately decided against the safety seat between us in the theater, I was on a date after all. I am relatively certain though, that there was no hand holding or arm over the shoulder maneuver as these would have distracted from the movies.

Hours Later, once the movies were finished, I dropped her off at her mom's apartment, walked her to the door, gave her a hug, and said “I had fun, we’ll have to do this again.” And we did...

Coming Soon:

Part 2: What is a Woggie?

Coming Later:

Part 3: The Double Dare Date and the Mail Order Fiancé

Part 4: Sierra Strikes Back with A New Hope

Part 5: Political and Grammatical Correctness

Epilogue: The Long Good Bye

...Pissin' Me Off

2010-08-03T20:28:00.009-04:00

I have been told (and I like to think that it is true) that I am an easy going guy... even keel. For the most part, nothing really phases me... for the most part.

I had a fairly productive day. I changed a couple of the tail lights in my truck, had an eye exam (new contacts!), got my truck inspected, went to the bank, and even managed to finally purchase a new pair of sunglasses. It started out pretty OK.

I slept in... 'cause I could, and I finally finished a movie that I ave been trying to watch for the better part of a week. Around noon, I went to the auto parts store to buy a light to replace one that had blown on my truck. When I got home, I promptly removed the tail light and replaced the burnt bulb.About this time, my mom came pulling in to the drive way with her cell phone to her ear and a sour expression on her face. As she got out of the car, she sort of scowled at me as I asked her if she would do me a favor and tell me if the light that I just replaced worked when I pressed the break. Here is what the conversation sounded like:

Me: Pushing on the break - does it work?

Mom: No

Me: Are you sure, I just put a new bulb in?

Mom: It isn't working, you must have done it wrong

Me: ...the small light on the left on the bottom, that one is not coming on?

Mom: That light is working

Me: You just said that it wasn't

Mom: NOOO, the small one is working, the one on the top on the right is not.

Me: What are you talking about?

Mom: The tail light on the right is out.

Me: Could you come here and hit the break for me?

Mom: What, you don't trust me?

Me: Could you just do it ma, so I can see for my self

Mom: Alright, alright already, couldn't you have just gotten a brick to press the gas pedal?

Me: I looked for a brick I couldn't find one.

Mom: Do you need for me to find a brick for you?

Me: No Ma, I need you to press the break!

Is anyone else reminded of a greasy, dickey wearing, Jewish engineer who lives with his mother?

I just want to get this clear, I replaced the correct light, but another light burned out in the amount of time that it took me to drive to the auto parts store and back home again.

At this point it was nearly 1:00 and I hadn't had lunch yet. I proceed to take the left over lasagna out of the fridge.

Mom: You aren't eating the lasagna are you?

Me: Yeah, you said you wanted to get rid of it before we leave

Mom: Well now what are we going to have for dinner?

I shrugged and put all of the left over lasagna on a plate and put the plate in the microwave.

Mom: You aren't using my good plates in the microwave, honestly Kyle, you don things I would never even think of!

Me: Mom, we use these plates in the microwave all the time...

Mom: No, Ky (she calls me Ky when she is trying to be condescending) we don't use these plates, we use these other plates or just put it in the microwave in the glass dish that it was already in. aren't you going to cover the dish with plastic?

Are you noticing a pattern, if not just wait, it gets better.

By the time I finished eating, it was too late to run back to the auto parts store to get the other replacement light before I needed to be at my eye appointment. When I got to the Optometrists, The receptionist couldn't find find my insurance information or any of my old prescription information... These were also apparently my fault. In the interest of brevity, I will cut this portion of the story short. Suffice it to say, crap blew up and it was my fault... apparently.

After the Optometrist adventure, I went to get my car inspected. After sitting in the waiting room for 15 minutes, the guy who came in after me to get his car inspected left. After another ten or twenty minutes I fell asleep. The guy working on my truck roused me only to tell me that the truck failed because he couldn't get it to connect to the computer. That didn't quite sound right to me, but what the hell did I know... I was half asleep anyway. So I paid him and left. When I called my dad to tell him, he all but yelled at me for not refusing to pay and failing to informing the mechanic that it was ridiculous that he would fail my truck because "he was using shitty equipment". Yeah I was surprised that my dad used the word shitty too.

Up to this point I was more or less taking it all in stride, but now I was starting to loose my cool. By the time I got home, I decided that I did not want to talk to anyone until I had eaten, perhaps that would improve my mood. I never got the chance to find out. I don't know what I said, but what ever it was it must have been slightly too sharp for my moms liking.

Mom: "Kyle! you need to watch your tone when you talk to your father, he has had a hard day and then when he got home he had to turn around and get your ass out of the ditch with that car thing. You have a terrible attitude young man. You need to watch what you say to your parents and how you say it..." Etcetera, etcetera.

If there is one thing that pisses me the hell off it is being told about my bad attitude by some whose attitude is not exactly bright and sunny. Telling me that I need to be less sharp and biting in a sharp biting tone is not exactly the way to get me to take you seriously... sorry mom.

So here is a list of things that piss me the hell off... in no particular order:

Being told I have a bad attitude

People who drive under the speed limit (or right at the speed limit)

Ass Hole Cops - you know who you are

People with an undeserved sense of entitlement

Nancy Pelosi's laugh

Being told trickle down economics doesn't work... it does, you moron.

Willful ignorance (it is a remote control, learn it)

And finally, the thing that pisses me off the most: People who are happy when I am pissed off!

So there you have it... tune in next time to hear me complain about how hard it is to find decent guys sunglasses at a reasonable price.

The Plan

2009-07-05T20:26:00.000-04:00

Planning is crucial. Oh sure, flying by the seat of your pants is fun -- exhilarating even,

but when it is you against the soulless zombie hoards a little planning may just save your life. We all knowthe Zombie apocalypse is imminent, looming, staggering and groaning just on the horizon, this has never been in question. The question is, will you be prepared?

Oh, you think the Zombie Apocalypse is just a story made up to scare children, and the cautionary training videos that Hollywood has given us are just entertainment? Perhaps you are unaware of the 5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Will Happen. If we can believe everything we see on the Internet, and I believe we can, the Apocalypse has already begun, in LA (of all places) and is being documented by a crew of brave survivors who were not infected in the initial outbreak.

The Zombie invasion is going to happen, but how and when -- I can't say. Seriously. You don't have clearance, I can't tell you. But when it does happen, will you be prepared to face the stumbling juggernaut of brain thirsty death? Lets assume that you are one of the lucky ones (or unlucky depending on how pessimistic you are) who survives Z-day. Will you have what it takes to face that rotting corpse that used to be that hot girl that sat in front of you in physics who is now trying to eat your brains, and knock her head off with a baseball bat? You take care of her, but what about the other 2o,000 Zombies lumbering all around campus? Killing a zombie is not difficult, it is like beating up an old person. It is a question of numbers. while you are busy dismembering that former hottie from physics (who am I kidding, there are no hotties in physics classes) there is a horde of undead students gnawing on your body.

I am not going to tell you what your plan should be for that fateful day, in fact I think, in order to

preserve human kind in the face of the soulless undead, it would be wise to have as many people with as many different plans as possible, but I will give you some pointers. the flow chart outlines the choices you will have to make should you survive the initial outbreak (sadly, many of you won't).

So you survive Z-Day, you choose to beat them but you don't have a plan. Unless you are Chuck Norris you will fail. Much like the Nazi in the last crusade, you choose poorly when you choose to beat 'em. Unfortunately if the zombie you face is chuck Norris it doesn't matter what sort of plan you have you will fail... but even as I write this I realize that this is an impossibility because if a zombie were to bite Chuck Norris, it would turn back into a human, meaning that Chuck Norris is the cure to zombieism... but I digress. So in formulating your plan for the inevitable horror ahead here are a few things to consider:

Zombies always have the advantage: there are more of them than there are of you, they are relentless, they are focused (on eating your brain), and when they "kill"you, you become one of them... like a less evil version of the Borg.
You will always run out of gas when you are surrounded... it is Murphy's Law at its best.
The funnest place to practice your zombie killing technique is the mall... be sure they have a music store and a hardware store. AVOID THE PARKING DECK!
If I have learned anything from video games it is that you never want to be in first place on the second lap, the blue turtle shells will get you every time, but also that Zombies have the inexplicable ability to respawn... just keep this in mind.
When it comes to actually destroying zombies guns are OK, but Chainsaws are AWESOME!
Baseball bats do not meed to be reloaded, but they may break if the zombie has a particularly persistent scull.
Jedi mind trick work on zombies
Rob Zombie is not an actual zombie, he is a poser, don't fall for his tricks.
Although Zombie people seem to have some mobility issues, do not be deceived, they can run faster than a straight guy being chased by Richard Simmons.
Zombie animals do not share the same mobility issues as zombie humans, in fact the opposite appears to be true, they get faster, more agile and more vicious.
it doesn't matter how much you loved them, if they are trying to eat you Do Not give them a hug.
She is not trying to bite you because she is kinky, she wants to eat you.
If you are covered in blood and stagger around as if drunk, zombies will not attack you... Zombies are not smart, this is a scientific fact.
Lastly, it will not stop until its head is gone.

Some literature and field guides, and Training Simulations that may aid you in your plans are:

The Zombie Survival Guide, by Max Brooks.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, by Jane Austen

Resident Evil 4, the Training Simulation

Dead Rising, Training simulation

The Resident Evil documentary series

Shaun of the Dead, Z-day documentary

My Boyfriend's Back, zombies and personal relationships documentary.

2009-06-03T15:44:00.001-04:00

wow, it has been forever since I posted... sorry guys Orcanic chemistry is taking over my life, you will just have to wait.

It is fun to think sometimes....

2009-03-04T00:23:00.013-05:00

"My head was too crazy. The thoughts bounced around inside my skull like a disoriented swarm of bees. Noisy. Now and then they stung. Must be hornets, not bees. Bees died after one sting. And the same thoughts were stinging me again and again."

Stephanie Meyer, Breaking Dawn

The Mind is a curious thing. This is a little heady, but it is fun to think sometimes and to see where the currents of the mind may take you, sometimes it you are pushed along gently and steadily by one particular enthralling idea, other times it is like a Hurricane in your head, with idea after idea swirling in and out of your consciousness.

One such thought that struck me today as I was reading an online comic called Fr e a k Angels, which was suggested to me by a friend of mine. Are the thoughts we think our own or are they put there by someone/something else? In the story there is a character who can put thoughts into peoples minds. He says at one point that he is giving a lecture on the nature of time in the minds of several, randomly chosen people. This got me to thinking... he was putting thoughts into my head too apparently. Occasionally I will be thinking to myself, but it won't be thoughts that are in my own voice, rather it is like someone else is speaking in my head. No, not like voices in my head, just thoughts that are out of the vein of my usual thoughts. The process of thinking is strange and mysterious to me, that is why I struggle to abstain from it as often as possible. These thoughts, though, must come from somewhere. For every causes there is an effect, this surely must be true of thought. Someone tells you Not to think of two apple pies having a lightsaber duel, suddenly, that is the only thing you can think of... cause - effect. Is there ever any such thing as a truly original thought? Logic would say that there must be, original thought breeds innovation. But does it really? The Light Bulb, Edison's wonder, but really it was just an improvement on the candle.

One day Thomas Edison was working in his lab when he thought, "We need something that can help us to see when it is dark..."
His assistant said to him, "It is called fire... a candle"
"Yes, but I want to make the candle better"
"It is already pretty good, I mean we even have scented candles for when you not only want to see, but smell as well."
Edison promptly fired that assistant for being a jerk, and just to stick it to him, named his candle improvement after him... the assistants name was Benjamin Lightbulb, and man did he feel like a dork.
This is a completely made up, original, story used to illustrate my point of complete non-originality. Edison's idea for the light bulb wasn't an original idea, man has been trying to see in the dark since the beginning of dark, he is simply the only one to do something about it... well, the second one anyway, someone, I'm sure discovered fire way back when.

The more I think about it, the more I come to realize that the vast majority of my thoughts are not really my own. They are the product of my environment, what I hear, see and do. On the other hand, Where I take those thoughts, or rather, where those thoughts take me is completely my own... I think. Just like Edison. Sure, tons of people probably thought that the insubstantial light from a candle should be improved upon, but Edison actually did it. While the thought may or may not have been original, the result was.

No one thinks in the same way, which is why presented with the same prompt or stimulus people will invariably develop their own unique perspectives (or conclusions). I think this is why one person can love a book or movie or song and someone else can completely abhor it. how do you feel about country music in general?

But what about someone actually having the ability to implant their thoughts, ideas, views, into someone else's mind... telepathy? Is it real, is it possible? Probably not, but maybe, let's pretend it is. It is an incredibly ubiquitous idea. In Harry Potter Voldimort uses a form of "magic" called Occlumency to see into the mind of others, and on occasion to plant thoughts and ideas in the mind of his victims that will cause them to bend to his will (whether they are aware of it or not). Professor Xavier of X Men (as well as a few other mutants) has the power influence read/manipulate/control minds, and with the help of his "Crerbro" could connect to every human and mutant mind on earth. He used his power benevolently. I am sure you can think of other examples form some of you favorite books, TV shows, and movies. So, how about it, The thoughts you are thinking right now might not be you own. They could be mine. What if I placed them there for my own amusement? For the betterment of mankind? For my own nefarious purposes? What if it was Professor X's thoughts? what if they are "The Man's"? Well...?

I don't have an answer, I was just thinking. It is a scary thought, but I suppose it wouldn't make much difference to me as ling as I remained blissfully unaware. But what do you think? ... think for yourself

Tangent:

Each of us has a completely unique mind. It is this that has allowed for the Einsteins, and Edisons, and Schrödingers, Galileo, Newton, etc. of this world to thrive. The uniqueness of the human mind has also allowed the Alexanders and the Napoleons and the Atillas... even the Hitlers of the world to be in some sense great, if only for a time. The Builders and the Destroyers. It is said that some people have the ability to capture peoples imaginations. This is a particularly worrying thought if the people who are doing the capturing are of the destructive persuasion. These people who "capture the public imagination" have the ability to put thoughts into peoples heads. Not like mind control of course, not like Professor X (although I think I remember reading somewhere that Hitler did experiment with mind control, good thing he didn't get his hands on "Cerebro"). They have power, derived from who knows where, but it is the power to tell us, the normal people, exactly what and how to think, and we willingly, dumbly, even enthusiastically oblige. Unquestioningly.

That power can also be used for great good. Revolutions that freed oppressed people, Revelations that freed men to explore the earth. Thinking men and women, who could capture the imagination of the world, have changed the course of history, many for the better, some for the worse. Despite this, people have decided somewhere along the line that it is OK to not think for themselves. They have decided that because they don't know something, aren't experts in the field, they are somehow incapable of understanding a concept. They will defer to the "experts". No one can know everything about everything... philosophers will tell you that no one can know anything about anything. Philosophers are silly sometimes (sorry Tom). The fact that the extent of human knowledge is finite should not, however, cause us to limit ourselves in what we are willing to try to understand, or know, or believe. Take any topic you fell strongly about... Global Warming, Abortion, the Existence of a God or gods... or how bout something less controversial, like the best kind of car, or your favorite music. Are your thoughts (beliefs and opinions) about those things your own? Have you tried them and found them to be ...well, as correct as you can know them to be? Or, do you hold on to thoughts that other people who are "smarter" than you claim are the only correct thoughts? Don't limit yourself. Search. Understand, if for no other reason than the fact that you can. Try new things. you like *insert musical genre here* why? Did your friends tell you that it was cool and *other genre* was not, so you stopped listening to it because they told you to? global warming is a problem because Al Gore says it is, or because the surface temperature of the earth is truly rising because of human action? what is it isn't, what if it is a cyclical change that occurs every couple of hundred years? I'm not telling you how to think, I'm just asking that you do.

this has really been nothing more than a thought game I played with myself and unfortunately for have written down for you to ponder. Do you want to know the point, here it is:

It is fun to think sometimes...

...So You Like Plants, eh?

2009-03-01T19:05:00.005-05:00

Like so many other children, I went to summer camp for a week each summer during the years between 6th grade and 10th grade. Some went to Sports Camp, others Theatre Camp, Scouts Camp, or even Space Camp. I, however, went to Church Camp. It was fun. The lake, the wacky camp songs, the games, the horrible food, and the friends... I loved it all. I also loved the "churchy" parts. We'd get up early every morning and have a personal prayer and Bible study time, basically quiet time alone with God, which is something I constantly neglect now. Then we'd go to breakfast and then we'd take an unnecessarily long hike to the chapel for a morning service (for lack of a better term). There was the usual singing and campy message (pun intended) from speakers like Brett Ray, who is actually the only speaker, who was not from my church, who's name I can remember.

I'm not going to give you a rundown of everything we did during those days at camp, I dare say that most would find that to be tedious and boring. Many of my most vivid memories are from those days at camp, and many of those memories are of events that were either horrific and traumatizing, or epic and life changing/defining, the latter being largely from the summer after 6th grade... or was it seventh. It is about one of those Life Defining moments that I'm writing about.
One afternoon the counselors had us participating in something of a role playing activity. Any of you who have been through Resident Advisor training I'm sure will remember the "Behind Closed Doors" portion of the training. For those who haven't this is where the New RA's are presented with a situation that they may encounter in the course of their jobs. The experienced RA's act as everything from rowdy residents who are simply making too much noise to angry room mates, to suicidal residents, and victims of rape. The New RA's are then critiqued on how they handled the situation and given pointers on how similar situations can be dealt with in real life. This is all to help them to be prepared for what ever the residents might throw at them. This is also a good chance for the experienced RA's to have a little fun and see if we can get the newbies to cry... it is always funny. It was a similar activity that we were participating in at camp, only instead of teaching us how to deal with college students, the point of this exercise was to help us to know how to respond to difficult situations that might crop up when trying to evangelize.
I know it sounds like they were brain washing us or whatever else you want to say, but it was not that at all and in the end what they were trying to teach us was how to show the Love of Christ to everyone we meet... which is, in my opinion the most effective way to spread the gospel. People tend to respond better to kindness and friendship then condemnation and the preaching of dogmatic rules. Once I finish the story hopefully this will all make sense, so bear with me.

A group of us sixth graders (or was it seventh) walked into one of the lounge rooms where there was a lady that I recognized as one of the counselors, although I didn't know her name... it was Kathy. She looked a bit upset and was watering plastic plants. I leaned over to my buddy Timmy and cracked a joke loud enough for everyone in the immediate vicinity to hear, and there was a low rumble of laughter. We knew basically what was going on, and basically what we were supposed to do. We had been told that in this scenario there was a woman who was upset, and needed to her the "good news". This was our last scenario before dinner and free time and I was pretty much done with the whole thing. Some of the girls, whose nerves and emotions are already a bit shaken from the past scenarios try to strike up a preliminary conversation to feel out what exactly we were up against. They tried to share pleasantries, they tried to compliment her, they tried to get her to acknowledge them... she didn't, if anything, she just looked angrier and angrier. All of this I observed with what I imagine to be an impassive expression on my face, because as I said before, dinner was looming, and I really didn't care about anything else. Eventually the girls got Kathy to drop a few hints, and from what I could tell this was a completely unfair situation. The woman Kathy was pretending to be was justifiably upset. She had recently miscarried late in a pregnancy (either that or lost an infant short after birth, either way it was traumatic... we'll work off of the miscarriage scenario, it really doesn't make a difference to the story). The physical trauma of the miscarriage made it impossible for her to become pregnant again, which is something she desperately wanted... I think it had something to do with cysts or cancer on the ovaries, but like I said before, I wasn't paying real close attention. I was too busy thinking about fried chicken and corn on the Cob. It was then that someone decided to play the "everything happens for a reason" card which even I knew was a mistake of Titanic proportions. Kathy explodes. The woman was an amazing actor. Never before had I witnessed such an outburst of fury, fear, and sadness. Kathy was a small lady, but in that moment it was no longer Kathy standing before us, it was an enormous, vicious, hungry Bear, with bared teeth and claws ready to devour us all. She had my full and complete attention, all thoughts of dinner were gone. She was saying things that no mere words, especially from a smelly sixth grader, could counter, and the character she was playing had completely justifiable reasons for saying them. She said things like, God doesn't exist, or if he does, he is evil for allowing that to happen to her, God murdered her child, she went on ranting like that for quite some time. By this point most of the girls were weeping, not simply crying, serious water works... like a cartoon when the tears shoot from their eyes like a waterfall... I was incredulous. I am not an emotional person, I often joke that I have no heart/feelings, perhaps that is why I thought what I was seeing was so ridiculous (not for the reasons you might think). These girls were not only sympathetic, they were empathetic, they were feeling her profound loss (albeit fake). A few were still trying to say things like, "You need to turn to God, he can help you through this." to which she would icily retort, "Can he give me my child back... can he bring him back from the dead?" To which I thought to my self, "there was this guy named Lazarus a long time ago..." but I knew it would be pointless to mention this, this woman didn't need preaching, she needed a friend, someone who actually cared about her, and we couldn't give that to her. Things began to quiet down a little bit which is the exact point I lost my mind and decided to open my big fat retarded mouth. Without any lead in, and without much thought, I said "...So, you like plants, eh?" Silence. Glares. An incredulous look from one of the counselors. An elbow in my ribs from Tim. A few hesitant chuckles...
Kathy Ripping Into Me. "What the Hell! I just lost my child, and you want to talk about plants!? What are you, some kind of moron?" Here is where I realized my critical mistake, Timing. Some have it, some don't, this was the exact moment I learned I didn't have it.

Some of you have, no doubt, already guessed what I was trying to do here. It is what I always do; first, find common ground, a place where we can both understand one another. Second, show interest in her interests to create a bond between us. Third, get her talking about something that isn't the thing that is bothering her. Fourth, and finally, lighten the mood, get her mind off of it, and on to something that might make her smile. I failed.

From there, things quickly devolved and the scenario was over. Kathy assured everyone that it was all a made up scenario and that she was simply acting. We discussed what people did right and what we did wrong. And it was all very interesting, then she came to me and my comment. She said that I was exactly right in what I was trying to do, I just should have tried to do it earlier... story of my life. Then it was my turn to talk. In the whole time I had been there the only words I said (that the whole group could hear) were "So you like plants". too be honest I cant exactly remember how much of this I told them, and how much I wish I had told them but here it is. "That scenario was unwinable, in all the other ones the people playing them came around to our side and prayed or did whatever... it was a bit hokey and unrealistic, this one was different. You (Kathy) were never going to give in and pray or repent or whatever it is that our objective was. That means that that is not supposed to be our objective. What we should try to do is not necessarily "evangelize" everywhere we go, but simply show the Love of Christ in our lives, or let Him live through us as it is so often said in the church... We went on and discussed this for a while and broke up for dinner.

This is what I got out of that looking back now.
In everything I do, in all my relationships, with everyone I meet, I should treat them with kindness where kindness in needed, patience were patience is needed, generosity when generosity is needed, and even when it isn't (according to your means). Be slow to anger, and quick to forgive. Be nice even when it is hard. Be helpful, even when you think you're the one that needs help. In short LOVE. These are things that I strive to and often fall short of. I learned more than this though. I learned a few things about myself.

I don't like to be serious. I think people are too serious too much, I like to have fun, and I like to see people smiling. I like it even more when I can make them smile. It is because of this I act like a goofball a lot of the time. If I can make a joke I will, and even if I cant I'll try and hope that the attempt was enough to get a pity chuckle out of you. I suppose it is my small contribution to the world. Or simply to my friends and everyone I have the pleasure to meet. I will do almost anything I can to get a smile.
I have HORRIBLE timing... always have, always will.
I can't empathize with girls, I can try, but I usually fail.
there are a few things that can tearme away from my thoughts of food, one of those is an angry Kathy (my mom's name is Kathy also).

After that "evangelism scenario" word spread about my plants comment and by the end of the day the camp was a-buzz with laughter about my ludicrous attempt at whatever it was that I was trying to do. It was a joke among the youth of my church until I graduated High School. I was happy, for 7 years, I could bring a smile to peoples faces with the memory of 4 words.

...So, you like plants....

The proof is in the yogurt...

2009-02-09T12:35:00.008-05:00

Just so you are forewarned, I am going to complain, that is what this posting is about, if you don't like that, you don't have to read it, I just want to vent... it is selfish, I know, but it is also cathartic. I know how blessed I am, and I know how much worse other people have it than me, so please dont leave angry comments saying that I should be thinking of the plight of others before myslef, I already know what a horrible selfish person I am.

I live and work on a college campus. I eat 9 meals in one of the "on campus" dining locations every week. why only 9 you ask... that is the amount of food that my services are worth to campus living and dining, and that is how much they provide. Don't get me wrong, I am very well compensated for the work I do... a generous stipend, housing in one of the dorms, (er I mean "Residence Halls"...common campus living, lets call a spade a spade) and those 9 meals per week. If you do the math that is 1 meal per day every week day, and 2 on the weekends, this isn't what I am complaining about. Generally speaking, I eat well, and why shouldn't I, the plan that I am on would cost a regular student about $1,200 for a semester. Sadly, I eat well (we're talking quantity, not quality) because I eat as little campus food as possible. Some of the food on campus is truly great, but for the amount of money people are shelling out for this food, I would expect the greatness factor to be much, well, greater than "sometimes". I spend the majority of my meals at one of the subways on campus. 95% of the time I am disappointed with the sandwich I get, but I eat it. It isn't so much the poor construction of the sandwiches that bothers me the most, or the fact that "a little mayo" some how means "Pile it on ma'am, I want that sandwich to be swimming in that mayo!". I'm not really even bothered by the fact that they treat you like you just smacked their favorite niece, there is no accounting for customer service. No, what bothers me the most is that they almost never wash the utensils. Gross! I used to love meatball subs. Not anymore. that spoon they use to scoop the meatballs is caked with layers and layers of dried on grease and marinara sauce. The knives they use, just as bad. Oh yeah, and the flies... little tiny fruit flies EVERYWHERE! And yet this is where I spend the majority of my meals. once again you may ask, why? The dining hall is worse, that is why.

It isn't necessarily for the same reasons. The people, as a whole, are much kinder, just like you'd expect cafeteria workers to be... and there are the ones that everyone seems to know, and like... Mrs. Bernice we'll call her. As nice as the people are, the food is usually just plain bad. I once had carrots that tasted like paint thinner smells. In a recent foray into the dining hall, brought on by a massive lapse in judgement which I can only attribute to the fact that I had not yet had coffee that day, I decided to get some yogurt... mondo mistake! I think where I went wrong was that I went late in the "Brunch" meal period, nothing was what you would call fresh. Long story short those weren't berries in the yogurt. I should have known better, 9 times out of 10 I leave the dining hall only because I hear the call of nature -- I'm pretty sure they use laxatives as baking additives. Also, once in my freshmen year, I got a cup of coffee out of the "dispenser" thing and found something that looked suspiciously like a lugie in the bottom of the cup... but that might have just been spoiled cream... either way, it was Dis-Gust-Ing! I have never had dining hall coffee since, I'll just stick with my dollar and a half cup of coffee from Starbucks, thank you very much.

I know why the quality of dining on campus is so abysmal... they can get away with it. They have a captive audience. the students aren't going to do anything as long as they go back to their dorm rooms with full tummies. Oh sure, we whine and complain and stomp our feet and throw little tantrums but at the end of the day we are more or less fat and happy.

I suppose I should be counting my blessings, I mean, I at least have food. There are plenty of people, here in this town even, that go hungry. They, I suppose, would be happy to eat the food that I so often complain about. But, that doesn't change the fact that I feel gypped every time I use my compensatory meal plan on food that I find deficient... not to mention, hazardous to my health. Besides, those who go hungry are not the problem, they are a symptom, of a much greater problem, to borrow from the words of the infamous Dr. Horrible... "The fish rots from the head."

On a happier note, the food from the dining hall today was actually not too bad, Chicken nuggets, mashed potatoes, corn, and broccoli from the salad bar.

Grind My Gears

2009-02-08T20:21:00.009-05:00

I dont get sports. sure they are a fun social event, but c'mmon, lets not get all crazy. I just dont get why Carolina fans and Duke fans cant just agree to enjoy a friendly game without trying to kill oneanother. Don't misunderstand, I'm all for the competitive spirit - the thrill of a win, but folks have this wackey tendancy to take it too far. And what is this nonsense about using first person plurals when refering to a sports teams they like.

"Hey Bill how are those Bears gonna do this season?"

"We're gonna do real good Oli, real good. Ya know, we havent done so hot since we lost Ditka, but I think we gots a real shot this year."

"How bout them Cubbies, eh Bill, what you thinkin 'bout them?"

"Ah, you know Oil, Sven and I were talkin about this just the other day, I dont think we stand a shot in flyin' heck at a world series bid, but I'll still be at every game, and those mother lovin Yankees can eat my snow boots, eh."

ATTENTION SPORTS FANS:

You are not on the team, you are old and fat (if you are the particular nondescript fat old sportsfan that I am picturing in my mind...) a win for the team does not constitute a win for you. The fact that you like the Bears no more makes you a member of that team than the fact that I like Star Wars makes me a Jedi. It is the height of ludicrousity.

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Sometimes I have converstaions I am not interested in at all, but I can think of alot to say on the subject. Other times I have conversations that I am very interested in, but I cant figure out the words to say so I sound uninterested, it is a conundrum.

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One thing that really bothers me is when I go to hang out with my friends and they are completely absorbed in their crackberries or MyFace or some other form of antisocial-social activity. I went to Hang out with you, to talk with you, to interact with you, a person, not a computer or robot or immaginary friend, Y-O-U! perhaps even more annoying is when my friends come to visit me and do that. It makes me feel like I'm somehow less important than your MyFace friends most recent picture of them plastered holding both of their hands (cheap beer and all) in the air, making a *WOOT* face, and almost falling over. And unless you show me otherwise that is what I'll assume your are looking at and laughing about... I'm not gonna lie though, if I ever get a smart phone, I'll probably be like that too, and I apologize in advance.

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That brings me to my next one, Laughing at inside jokes when the person you have the joke with isn't even in town much less in the room is not cool, dont do it.

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Stephanie Meyer, your books are horrible. I can't stop reading them, they are like crack. but heres the thing, stuff happens in your book... "big reveal" stuff, stuff that should be spurising, but it isn't. You already gave away the big surprise. SPOILER ALERT: in Eclipse, when Bella's room gets broken into, and then a bunch of shifty stuff starts to happen in Seattle, your readers already know the two are connected because you told us they were connected 2 chapters before, and then you try to make it all suprising when Bella makes the connection and tells Allice, but it isn't surprising, cause everyone already knew... that frustrates me. Also, grammatical errors in published novels are not ok. Basic subject verb agreement is something that should not be a problem in a "best selling book". In blogs however (or atleast mine) spelling and grammar errors are to be expected, and I expect people to keep count and leave a detailed talley as a comment on every post... GO!

A Penny For My Thoughts...

2009-02-04T09:12:00.000-05:00

I walk into my building the other day and the RA's are hosting a "penny war". A penny war is apparently the same thing as a coin drive (also known as begging). So, I do what I always do when confronted with a bum or vagabond on the street... I set my gaze straight ahead, clench my jaw, quicken my pace, and hope that they are good at reading body language.

"Do you have any spare change to donate to *insert charitable organization here*?"

Damn, so close, My key was in my hand and almost in the door.

Now I don't want you to misunderstand me, I think that is a good and necessary thing to support charities, but I don't see how begging for the .67 cents that I have in my pocket is really going to make the difference in St. Jude's research budget I would much prefer to support the charity directly. I do like how the Ronald McDonald House Charity works, they are usually un-invasive, they just have their collection boxes set up near the registers and drive-through's to that you can, if you choose, deposit your change from breaking a 20.

Now you are going to say "Kyle the two are no different blah blah blah..." to you I say, pish. McDonald's is not accosting me and literally begging for my money like a common bum in the B2 lot. But, I have digressed from the main point of my story... actually I haven't even gotten to it yet. Perhaps some other time I will talk about my views on charities.

She asks me for change and I dig in my pockets, and much to my chagrin I pull out a couple of quarters, nickles and pennies which I had picked up off of the ground earlier that day. I toss them in the Ziploc Tupperware thing that they have set up on the table with a thin smile (giving cheerfully is not as easy as it sounds). As I start to turn to walk away, she says to me, "now you have good karma points, don't use them all at once."

Karma Points, really?! Oh boy, I must really be a good person, I grudgingly gave 67 cents to a charity I don't care about! That has to be equal to the inverse of kicking a box of puppies!

The rule of karma is something like "Do Good things and Good things will happen to you, do bad things and bad things will happen to you." but let me ask a simple question: isn't that a selfish reason to do good things, or not to do bad things? And isn't selfishness a bad thing? so it would logically follow that someone who does good things to get "good karma" is in fact causing his karma to be worse. The way I see it, someone who acts solely out of self interest, so that others will think better of him, and so that some mystical force will heap good luck on him is really not a good person at all, in fact he is probably the biggest jerkface around.

It seems silly to me to think that two random circumstances in a persons life are somehow related - cause and effect style - through the apparatus of Karma. I help an old lady across the street, a week later I find a quarter on the ground. Karma? Coincidence? It seems far more likely that the Karmic result of me approaching an elderly lady to help her cross the street would be a beating with a purse if I'm lucky, and pepper spray in my face if I'm attempting this in Greenville. As for the Quarter, well, I look for change on the ground all the time, the only reason I find it is because someone else dropped it, and didn't pick it up. Karma had nothing to do with it. besides, some might even go so far as to say that picking money up off the pavement is dishonest, because that money never belonged to you, you should therefore turn it in to the authorities, regardless of the amount. so picking up the change off the sidewalk, you would actually be causing yourself "bad karma" because you are stealing and being dishonest. finding money = bad karma... are you starting to see my point.

And what about the whole "no good deed goes unpunished" thing, how many times have you done something good and gotten a whole mess of trouble for it. Again I ask Karma? Not likely. Take last night for example; a friend calls me around 11:00pm. She is at the Commons, a park by the River, she had been running there earlier that night when she lost her keys. She needs to break into her car to get her stuff out for her work today, and wants to know if I can help her break into her car. I did what I could, took her to Wal-Mart, helped use toasting forks to break in... that didn't work. So we go looking for the keys, 45ish minutes later I find the keys and we all go home... I get back round 1am-ish. I set my alarm, and go to bed. I wake up at 8:59, my alarm did not go off, I have class @ 9. I am not blaming my friend by any means, that would be retarded, it is not her fault. According to the laws of karma, However, I should not have missed class for doing a "good deed" according to the laws of nature on the other hand, I needed the sleep class or no class. Karma doesn't enter into it.

You have probably heard the "Golden Rule" which goes something like "Do unto others what you would have them do unto you." many people will say, "that is karma, you do good things to/for people, they'll do good things for you." Bull Shit! that is not what that means at all. this old adage is actually a bible verse *gasp* and actually says (NIV) Matthew 7:12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. I personally like the way The Message translation puts it: Here is a simple, rule-of-thumb guide for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them. Add up God's Law and Prophets and this is what you get. The "saying" doesn't mean "I scratch your back, you scratch mine", it means that you should always, in every situation, treat people with respect and kindness and love... in short the way you would like to be treated by others regardless of how anyone treats you.

You have probably also heard the cliche "Do not repay evil for evil, but overcome evil with good" that one can actually be found in Romans 12. It goes on to say that in doing so, you will "heap burning coals on his head." this means that in treating those who treat us badly with love and kindness we cause them pain. think of it like this, have you ever treated some one badly just to get a funny reaction from them (Be honest. I've done it. It is OK, we all do.)... but then they didn't react the way you expected, they react with kindness, or didn't really respond at all. Did you feel hurt or embarrassed? Did you lose a bit of pride? I did, and that is what this is talking about.

I am not a good person, this I know is true for many reasons, but lets start with the Bible.

Romans 3:10-12

10The holy writings say, `No one is good. No, not one person.
11No one is wise. No one wants to know God.
12They all have turned away from the straight road. Together they have gone the wrong way. No one does good, not even one person!

This is not a particularly uplifting scripture, especially when lifted out of it's context, but what it says is true at face value. there are many other scriptures that deal with the not goodness of man such as Romans 3:23, and there are many more that deal with Gods forgiveness, but that too is not what this is about.

People are basically bad, and nothing they do is ever really good. that is the exact reason why we cannot got to heaven through any work of our own, and why Jesus had to die a horrible, painful death to pay the price for our sins (if this doesn't make sense to you, you should take a look at Jewish sacrificial customs... or just ask me, and I'd be happy to further explain). Sure we do good things from time to time, then we feel good about ourselves because of all the altruistic things we have done, you know what that is, it's pride, which is bad. I am not saying that you should not feel good about yourself when you do good thing, you should, but don't kidd yourself into thinking you are any better that anyone else just because you tipped well to a person who didn't give you particularly excellent service. No matter how much good you do, you can never do enough good to outweigh your bad... your sin. Isaiah 64:6 says; For we have all become like one who is unclean [ceremonially, like a leper], and all our righteousness (our best deeds of rightness and justice) is like filthy rags or a polluted garment. That is why Karma doesn't work.

This one went on a bit, I'll try to keep them shorter from now on.

I dont blog

2009-01-26T12:24:00.000-05:00

I don't blog... at least, I never have before.

I suppose I should start whit a statement of purpose:

This Blog will cantain anything that pops into my mind that I feel the need to put into words. I will be primarily be using this blog as a journal for me write about what I read in the Bible or hear in church, or simply to record my thoughts about God and what he is doing around me and within me.

I will also write about my random thoughts, and I may post a few stories and essays that I write.

This blog is meant to be neither instructional or informative, it is simply an outlet for my thoughts.

with this in mind, here is my first post.