I took a girls virginity. I'm not sorry about this. She had it coming. I guess if anything, I am kind of sorry that we never actually made it to the third movie, but that would have just prolonged things. At the time, I just wanted to get it over with. Maybe I should back up and explain how this came about.
Part 2: What is a Woogie?
"You are telling me that you have never seen Star Wars?" I asked, incredulous.
"That is what I'm telling you, I have never seen that movie." She crooned in what she evidently thought was a seductive tone... It wasn't.
"You know there are six... six movies." I informed her, struggling to hide my condescension.
"Oh" she sounded interested but looked rather crestfallen "Maybe you could show them to me sometime."
"Maybe I will..." I said with a laugh despite my revulsion at this situation. "I just can't wrap my head around the fact that you have never seen these movies. How have you made it to your twenties without even stumbling across Star Wars by accident? I mean, the first one is on TV basically every weekend."
Days have passed since I took Sierra to see Toy Story & Toy Story 2 in 3D. She is now my friend on Facebook, and she texts me basically every day.
Whatever happened to people not having to be in contact with each other every second of every day. In movies, people will go on a date with someone, have almost no contact with that person for about a week, and go on a date with them again the next weekend. The only time they talk is to set the date. There is no, "hey, just checkin’ to see how U R" or "hey here is everything i 8 today: [unreasonably long list of foods including low calorie cookies and diet drinks]" By the way, this is just something that needs to be said to the general population: just cause it says "diet" on the container doesn't mean you should eat twice as much of it #defeatingthepoint. But back to the constant contact thing; I never saw Meg Ryan bugging Tom Hanks incessantly in Sleepless in Seattle (or You've Got Mail... the shameless and unnecessary remake that at the time was cleverly modern, but is now hilariously dated)...And in You've Got Mail, she could have bugged him mercilessly, flooding his inbox with unending and inane blather. But she didn't. They sent email back and forth at a rate of about 1 every couple of days. Granted, they were merely pen pals for the majority of the movie, so maybe the analogy is not perfect. The fact remains, however, that before texting and Facebook chat (and AIM I suppose), people actually had to converse. I usually like talking. If people spoke with each other more often rather than writing to one another in various ways, many arguments could be simply avoided. I get into an argument with some of my friends every time we text. One or both of us will inevitably misread or misinterpret the message. It is something I have known since the days of IM, but I still seem to ignore it, sarcasm/jokes are
One final note about texting, can we move past the silly abbreviations? I will grant you that there are some occasions when abbreviations are acceptable and even preferable, but they are pretty rare. Once admitted into college, you should be at a point in your life when "lol" and "gr8" are no longer a part of your textcabulary. Middle and High School girls, feel free to continue using these abbreviations, no one cares what you have to say anyway. But beyond that, Stop It! I poop you not, my grandma, who is surprisingly proficient at texting, would put "lol" at the end of every text she sent for almost a year. We found out she had no idea what it meant. She thought she was saying "Lots of Love" not "Laughing Out Loud"... and this is exactly the problem. There should be a statute of limitations on these abbreviations. When you are writing collegiate research papers and making real resumes, you should not be allowed to use these anymore (except in the rare emergencies alluded to previously). I would not have so much of a problem with if they did not bleed over into non-text speaking and writing. Email, in general should not contain any of these, it is just sloppy. Speaking... whatever... say whatever you want, but if you say "lol" out loud (especially if you aren't actually laughing) don't be surprised if I never listen to another thing you ever say, sarcasm notwithstanding. Finally, and most appalling, the little dipshits who have been "failing up" through our public school system and are inexplicably admitted to my college will invariably write "UR" in place of both "your" and "you're" in final drafts of papers that I have to grade... I gave 3 F's because of this last year. But I have gone on a major digression... Back to the story!
Did I mention that she texted me... a lot? It was excessive, especially for someone who I had, in essence, just met. I am ok with daily texting from people with whom I am friends; I actually have stuff to talk about with them. Still, I did not want to jump to unfounded assumptions. The great thing about texting is you can ignore them if they become to annoying, unfortunately, if you ignore them too much, you get a bunch of "hello?", "have you been getting my messages?", and the ever dreaded "?" in your inbox. If you get the "?" you may as well give up. You chose poorly. You are in more trouble than the Nazi at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. I did not ignore her very much, and was able to avoid the "?", and by Wednesday date number 2 was set. Via text. I guess this is the world we live in now and I will just have to come to terms with that.
I thought it was a bit early in the aquaintanceship (I refuse to call this a relationship) for her to be coming to my apartment, but that is what happened on Friday. I spent most of Wednesday through Friday before the date cleaning up the apartment. My roommate, Captain Asshat, was gross. Dude, if you are reading, I don't mean to be rude, but you were gross. You left dirty dishes all over the apartment, you almost never took the trash out, you left a bowl of cheese on the counter for 2 months and you grew plants on the dining room table. Also if you are reading this, do you have my black microwavable Tupperware bowl with the strainer top? If so, can I get that back. Also, congratulations on getting married.
Anyway, I spent a lot of time cleaning up to get ready for the big night. I was actually pretty excited. You see, this was not going to be just any date, this promised to be a special night for both of us. It was going to be her first time. That's right, I was taking her Star Wars virginity. At that point I had only taken two other girls Star Wars V-cards. The first time it was really awkward and we never talked again after it was over. The second time, it was a girl who I was friends with... she seemed to like it. We are still friends and talk occasionally. The best part about this time was that it was her idea! I think my alarm bells and whistles were broken, or else set to silent, because they were really letting me down with this girl. I am certainly not going to make the blanket statement that any girl who wants to see Star Wars is crazy, that would be silly and untrue, I know tons of awesome girls who both have seen and liked Star Wars. However, that in addition to everything else should have made me question the situation.
For instance, I am sure these girls are pretty cool.
She arrived at my apartment at 6:30pm. She was wrapped once again in an ill-fitting assortment of animal print clothing. The lurid blue peacock feather print top clashed spectacularly with her tiger print handbag. Again, being me, I commented.
"You sure do like your animal print" I said blithely.
"I am a Cougar! Some people can't pull off the animal print, they can't handle it. I love it, It makes me feel... dangerous."
Holy Damn Lady, you are crazy as hell... is what I should have been thinking (probably saying). Instead, I thought: I don't think she knows what being a 'cougar' means. Don't you have to be a divorcee and in your 40's and have older children? …And I don’t think I've ever seen Courtney Cox in animal print. "Oh, that is interesting" I said with a slight chuckle. And I didn't really think about it again that night.
Rather than go to dinner or order takeout or something normal like that she insisted on cooking for me... on the second date... at my apartment. The dinner was mediocre. Edible. I don't even remember what she cooked, which is bad. Ladies, if you are trying to impress a guy with your cooking, which can be highly effective, make sure that you make something memorable. Memorable, in a good way is probably best, but even memorable in a bad way can do the job. It shows that you are willing to put forward the effort. If the meal is bad, the guy might think you are cute for trying. It helps to actually be cute in this case. If you aren't cute, cook well. Sierra's cooking was totally forgettable. Not good. Not bad. Forgettable... this is the worst possible case scenario. What I remember about it was that she cooked for me as well as Captain Asshat.
That is right, the first date in our apartment and he stuck around for AND PARTICIPATED in it. At the very least he should have barricaded himself in his room for the evening. It is just courtesy, especially on the big night. Boundaries Dude! A normal person would have left for the evening, allowing me to make a fool of myself privately, where no one will be able to analyze my behavior and recount it for me… But Not Captain Asshat! He stays where he knows he is not welcome! He participates in private things! In front of your friends and girls you are trying to impress, he reminds you of all the embarrassing things you have ever done! He is... CAPTAIN ASSHAT! Queue the Captain Asshat theme... That sounds like it would be a Goldsmith score. Goldsmith is no Williams, but I do enjoy a good Goldsmith score. That reminds me, don’t you hate when they change composers in the middle of a series. John Williams did the score for the first 2 Harry Potter movies, and then they brought in some other jokers to do the music for the rest of them... which totally changed the tone of the movies. It makes them feel disjointed. Even though they use the original themes, it just isn't the same. They did the same thing on the original Superman movies. The first two were great and had great music, the others... well how many of you have actually seen Superman 4?
Anyway, I'm off topic again.
So she cooks. I remember the cooking taking a lot longer than necessary. Conversation was not as easy this time. Rather than moving seamlessly form topic to topic, the conversation was disjointed. We kept running out of things to talk about. I chalked it up to nerves. Excitement about the after dinner activity. More likely though, it was due to the fact that I had apparently tapped out her store of topics for conversation on the previous date. Every time I tried to introduce a new subject, she would invariably, and inexplicably bring things back around to Nubby. I thought we had satisfactorily put that particular gem to rest. Apparently not.
"I mean, where'd Nubby go? Where is he AT?"
Every time she said this she started to giggle. Her giggles were a singularly disturbing thing. It was not a hearty laugh, that might have been better. And it was not a chortle, which would have suited her. It was a high pitched unnatural keening. Not quite nails on a chalk board, but it was close. Every time she brought "Nubby" back up, I clammed up and stopped talking all together, effectively killing the conversation. This happened at regular intervals through the dinner portion of the night. When the food is finally ready, the three of us sat and ate. The awkward dinner conversation was mostly facilitated by Captain Asshat. This was not because I was incapable ore unwilling to shoulder that responsibility, rather that he felt that any conversation he was not dominating was a waste of time. Even he became annoyed with the "where's Nubby at" discussion by the time dinner was finished. Before it was over, both of us wanted to do this:
I am not sure whether it was this, or him finally taking the hint, but he did eventually go up to his room, not to be seen again for the rest of the night. Though, now I think on it, he left directly after dinner. He did not help with the clean up. I suppose that is all in a day’s work for... CAPTAIN ASSHAT! Queue music again.
I should probably take a moment to describe my apartment a little bit. This bit of exposition is not necessary for the story, but it does add a bit of context. I want to make it clear that I had nothing to do with the imcomprehensable setup. When you walk into the front door, on the wall immediately on your left is a projector screen. On the wall adjacent to that wall is the couch (facing the front door and front window). At the end of the couch is the stairs and the enterance to dining area... you get the idea. What I want to draw your attention to is the fact that if you are sitting on the couch there is no comfortable way for 2 people to watch anything on the projector. The only other tv's in the apartment are in the bedrooms. We were not at a point in the acquaintanceship where I was prepared to be alone with her in my room... alone. For all I know she could be a serial killer. She did after all have a peculiar preoccupation with Saw. So we improvised. We pulled the couch around so that it faced the screen. The couch was very long and spanned the width of the room, meaning we had to climb over it to sit in it or to leave the room.
The time had come. She settled herself on the couch. I was very excited. This was actually going to happen. I gingerly removed the DVD from its case and slid it smoothly into place in the player. I gently touched the "Play" button... and we were off! We found ourselves in a galaxy far, far away.
As I plopped myself down on the couch next to her I glanced over and realized that she had not been reading the opening crawl. No big deal, maybe she didn't realize that for this movie, the text at the beginning was important.
Sidebar: The opening crawl at the beginning of the Original Star Wars move (Star Wars Episode IV, A New Hope) is vital. If you don't read it, the rest of the movie is going to make no sense at all. Don't even bother watching it. Especially if that is your first Star Wars Movie. Some movies have text at the beginning that is not really important to understanding the movie, but this is not one of those movies.
"Do you want me to rewind it so you can read that?" Technically it was a question, but it was not actually a question.
"No, that's ok. It isn't really that important is it?" See above. Before she had finished talking I had already started rewinding. At this point I was starting to second guess the whole evening.
"It is kind of important, It sets up the movie." I restarted the movie. She looked ...embarrassed? I don't know for sure, It was kind of dark. It was tough to discern facial expressions. In any case she grimaced.
We got past the Opening Crawl. We sat there quietly for a few minutes, enjoying the movie, then she started up again. She started asking questions. I understand the temptation to ask certain questions during certain movies, but she asked dumb questions.
"What is that gold guys deal, he is so annoying?"
"That is C-3P0, he is a neurotic robot, sorta like Marvin from The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy."
"I don't know what that is."
Silently sighing in exasperation, "Never mind, just watch."
"What is that giant black robot guy?"
Am I really having to explain this? I am tempted to turn off the movie and tell her that is it time for her to be hitting the ol' dusty trail. "That is Darth Vader. He is the bad guy. That is why he just choked that rebel"
"Who are the 'Rebels'?
I audibly sighed, and turned to face her with what I can only imagine is a look that rivaled one of Sheldon's haughty looks of derision.
"They are the guys who are fighting against the Empire... the ones currently lying dead on the ground.""..." She looked confused.
"The guys dressed all in white, the Stormtroopers, are the bad guys. They are Imperial soldiers, Darth Vader is their commander, they all work for the Emperor. The rebels are the good guys, Darth Vader just choked one."
"Oh" annoying giggle "I thought the guys in white were the good guys"
She totally looks like a good guy, I get the confusion!
Palmface. You have got to be kidding me. It is like you haven't even been watching the movie. Maybe if you would stop asking dumbass questions and pay attention to Lucas' Masterpiece we could have forgone this little foray into crazy land where Storm Troopers are good guys. "nope, they're the bad guys."
"Why doesn't that car have wheels?"
"It's a Speeder, it hovers... just watch."
After that, we got through maybe five more minutes of the movie before she started up again.
I just now realize that those are the exact words that Wesley tells Prince Humperdink will echo in his prefect ears after they fight "to the pain". What a good movie. Ironically, Nubby (Cary Elwes) pops up again. It is like the number 23. It is everywhere, but you do not notice it until you look for it.
"That is Chewie, He is Han Solo's Co-Pilot." I said literally seconds after Obi-Wan said "This is Chewbacca, He is co-pilot in a ship that might suit us"
"But what is he?"
"He's a Wookiee..."
"What's a Woogie?"
"I don't know, I believe it is what you do directly after you Boogie…” at this she just stared at me blankly, so I continued, “…but Chewie is a Wookiee." And sensing a dumb follow up question, I added, "He is an alien."
I was done. This was too much. I was ready to call it a night. She had successfully ruined Star Wars. It was like she just shat on my floor. It is kind of like when you are a kid and someone tells you Santa isn’t real. Imagine that someone took your favorite thing in the world and destroyed it with a baseball bat, Office Space style…
I had the overpowering urge to punch somebody in the face. I resisted. I could never have a relationship with this person. Ladies, when you know that you are watching a guy’s favorite movie, don't do the things she did. If you have a question, ask the guy to pause the movie, and then ask your question. Before you do that, though, ask yourself, will this question likely be answered in the course of the movie? If so, do not ask that question. If the question is not likely to be answered, ask yourself, Is this a dumb question or will the answer to my question contribute in any way to my understanding of the movie? If the answer is “no” your question is dumb. If it is a dumb question (You have been lied to all your life, there are definitely dumb questions) Do Not Ask It.
We did finish the movie, and there were myriad other dumb questions. As the movie progressed, and the questions got dumber and dumber, I think she could tell that I was getting frustrated. When the movie started, we were sitting next to each other. When it was over, we were on opposite ends of the couch. When the credits started to roll, I played the "I'm gettin' sorta tired card" to great effect. A few short minutes later, she was at the door gazing at me with big doe eyes. I am 95% sure she expected me to kiss her. I leaned in, gave her an awkward "just friends" hug, you know the one…
Like that one. I stood back and said, "Well, it is getting late, I will call you later this week..."
"Yeah, this was really fun!" She sounded genuine, but c'mmon, really? In what universe was this a really fun time?
"Me too" I lied.
She got in her car and drove off
The End… I wish.
Part 3: The Double Dare Date and the Mail Order Fiancé
Part 4: Sierra Strikes Back with A New Hope
Part 5: Political and Grammatical Correctness
Epilogue: The Long Good Bye