Beans Shadow: July 2009

Planning is crucial. Oh sure, flying by the seat of your pants is fun -- exhilarating even,

but when it is you against the soulless zombie hoards a little planning may just save your life. We all knowthe Zombie apocalypse is imminent, looming, staggering and groaning just on the horizon, this has never been in question. The question is, will you be prepared?

Oh, you think the Zombie Apocalypse is just a story made up to scare children, and the cautionary training videos that Hollywood has given us are just entertainment? Perhaps you are unaware of the 5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Will Happen. If we can believe everything we see on the Internet, and I believe we can, the Apocalypse has already begun, in LA (of all places) and is being documented by a crew of brave survivors who were not infected in the initial outbreak.

The Zombie invasion is going to happen, but how and when -- I can't say. Seriously. You don't have clearance, I can't tell you. But when it does happen, will you be prepared to face the stumbling juggernaut of brain thirsty death? Lets assume that you are one of the lucky ones (or unlucky depending on how pessimistic you are) who survives Z-day. Will you have what it takes to face that rotting corpse that used to be that hot girl that sat in front of you in physics who is now trying to eat your brains, and knock her head off with a baseball bat? You take care of her, but what about the other 2o,000 Zombies lumbering all around campus? Killing a zombie is not difficult, it is like beating up an old person. It is a question of numbers. while you are busy dismembering that former hottie from physics (who am I kidding, there are no hotties in physics classes) there is a horde of undead students gnawing on your body.

I am not going to tell you what your plan should be for that fateful day, in fact I think, in order to

preserve human kind in the face of the soulless undead, it would be wise to have as many people with as many different plans as possible, but I will give you some pointers. the flow chart outlines the choices you will have to make should you survive the initial outbreak (sadly, many of you won't).

So you survive Z-Day, you choose to beat them but you don't have a plan. Unless you are Chuck Norris you will fail. Much like the Nazi in the last crusade, you choose poorly when you choose to beat 'em. Unfortunately if the zombie you face is chuck Norris it doesn't matter what sort of plan you have you will fail... but even as I write this I realize that this is an impossibility because if a zombie were to bite Chuck Norris, it would turn back into a human, meaning that Chuck Norris is the cure to zombieism... but I digress. So in formulating your plan for the inevitable horror ahead here are a few things to consider:

Zombies always have the advantage: there are more of them than there are of you, they are relentless, they are focused (on eating your brain), and when they "kill"you, you become one of them... like a less evil version of the Borg.
You will always run out of gas when you are surrounded... it is Murphy's Law at its best.
The funnest place to practice your zombie killing technique is the mall... be sure they have a music store and a hardware store. AVOID THE PARKING DECK!
If I have learned anything from video games it is that you never want to be in first place on the second lap, the blue turtle shells will get you every time, but also that Zombies have the inexplicable ability to respawn... just keep this in mind.
When it comes to actually destroying zombies guns are OK, but Chainsaws are AWESOME!
Baseball bats do not meed to be reloaded, but they may break if the zombie has a particularly persistent scull.
Jedi mind trick work on zombies
Rob Zombie is not an actual zombie, he is a poser, don't fall for his tricks.
Although Zombie people seem to have some mobility issues, do not be deceived, they can run faster than a straight guy being chased by Richard Simmons.
Zombie animals do not share the same mobility issues as zombie humans, in fact the opposite appears to be true, they get faster, more agile and more vicious.
it doesn't matter how much you loved them, if they are trying to eat you Do Not give them a hug.
She is not trying to bite you because she is kinky, she wants to eat you.
If you are covered in blood and stagger around as if drunk, zombies will not attack you... Zombies are not smart, this is a scientific fact.
Lastly, it will not stop until its head is gone.